Search This Blog

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

A Great Disturbance in the Force.

I wanted to check in today, however late and report back that, although I haven't deconstructed another belief set today I did think about and, reality creation was positive today. I don't think it's a coincidence.

Ever notice that when you decide to make a change in yourself for the better, such as leaving a job, then all of the sudden everything that used to piss you off so much seems lighter or less intense? I attribute this to the commitment of energy to be more positive. It ripples out from the moment point of decision and affects all belief constructs -- even the 'negative' ones you held prior, so they seem 'better'.

So, today, after my belief construction yesterday, I had a really solid good day -- it's been over a year since I had one. Everything at work went right, I suddenly saw new opportunities that weren't there before, and everything was the way I wanted it to be.

More belief deconstruction will follow, for sure -- if it continues this positive, I want more.

I would like to point out, as my Sumafi wife pointed at in typical Sumafi fashion : this isn't really belief deconstruction so much as belief acceptance. In typical Sumari fashion, I demured but will continue to call it whatever the hell I want to. :) It's my reality, after all.

I think tomorrow I want to still deal with "I feel fat", but from a food-oriented point of view. Last night, after the belief work I went out and got doughnuts. This seems counter productive, but I insist it's a good sign -- it means I am stirring the pot and falling back on safety, which means I am creating the energy and intention of changing it. I think after the food-point of view, I'll tackle the protection point of view and see what happens.

Have a good night. Thanks for playing.

Feel free to comment to any posts by clicking on the comments link below them.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Belief Deconstruction

So, today I am going to do an exercise for myself in belief deconstruction. This is an exercise I learned at a Seth workshop a number of years ago, and have felt the need to try it out.

The point of belief deconstruction is to work back from a feeling to the core beliefs that provide the issue you are working on so much energy. In that way, by isolating the belief, you can accept you have the belief and then change it because it no longer has hold over you.

In keeping with the holiday spirit, I am going to deal with the feeling I have of being fat. Now, to many I may not appear fat, but in my head I'm saying, "I feel fat, I feel full, etc.". So, regardless of how others see me, this is how I see me. Thus, the feeling: I feel fat.

From this feeling, I state linked emotions -- there may be several:
  • Feeling fat makes me feel embarrassed.
  • Feeling fat makes me feel lazy.
  • Feeling fat makes me feel insufficient/incapable of doing what I want.

Now, the fun part -- finding belief statements that generate the emotion.

Feeling fat makes me feel embarrassed:
-- I believe other people will not like looking at me
-- I believe other people will not like being around me

Feeling fat makes me feel lazy.
-- I believe it's too hard to make the fat go away: requires exercise & diet
-- I believe I don't want to change my habits

Feeling fat makes me feel insufficient:
-- I believe I am too out of shape to do anything well
-- I believe I won't have enough energy or attention to do things

Obviously there's more beliefs, but this is a start. Next, I take those beliefs and ask why that belief is there:

I believe other people will not like looking at me:
-- I believe other people don't like looking at fat people

I believe other people will not like being around me:
-- I believe people are more interested in looks than brains

I believe it's too hard to make the fat go away: requires exercise & diet
-- I believe it requires too much effort to get into shape.

I believe I don't want to change my habits
-- I believe change is unknown and scary

I believe I am too out of shape to do anything well
-- I believe if I am out of shape, I will have an excuse not to do something well.

I believe I won't have enough energy or attention to do things:
-- I believe I don't have limitless energy and power, or adequate power to accomplish my goals.

Things are starting to become clearer: If I refine one more time, I might have some interesting core beliefs to work with.

  1. I believe I don't like looking at out-of-shape people.
  2. I believe people are more interested in looks than brains.
  3. I believe it requires too much effort to get into shape.
  4. I believe change is unknown and scary.
  5. I believe if I am out of shape, I will have an excuse not to do something well.
  6. I believe I don't have adequate power to accomplish my goals.

So -- given this set of core beliefs, when I decide I want to get into shape (like now, during the holidays) I start feeling intense laziness and tiredness and lack of motivation.

Notice how some of these beliefs conflict with each other: "I believe I don't like looking at out of shape people" and "I believe it requires too much effort to get into shape." These two beliefs conflict with each other. The first expresses a desire to get into shape, the second expresses that my desire to get into shape is too difficult. Working on those two beliefs, they manifest as an emotion of frustration.

So the next step? I guess it's to realize that I chose to align with those beliefs and emotions. From there, I can choose other beliefs and emotions to accomplish my goals. This helps me clarify my goal, also. Remember -- I started with "I feel fat". Now, I realize that my goal is not the opposite of "I feel fat", such as "I feel skinny", but rather, "I feel fit, I feel energized". The original "I feel fat" emotions arrived from the conflict of beliefs. If I align my beliefs, then my emotions will be different.

To conclude, here's six different core beliefs to help align in a different way:

  1. I believe I don't like being an out-of-shape person.
  2. I believe people are interested in looks and brains.
  3. I believe geting into shape is effortless.
  4. I believe change is safe and easy.
  5. I believe if I am in shape, I will have an excuse not to do something well. :)
  6. I believe I have more than adequate power to accomplish my goals.

I could abstract these just a little further to make them true core beliefs:

  1. I believe I am fit.
  2. I believe I accomplish my goals effortlessly.
  3. I believe I change safely and easily.
  4. I believe I do all things well.
  5. I believe I have limitless energy.

If you think about it, when you were a kid -- aren't these the beliefs you held??? What happened?

This has been an interesting exercise! I'll tackle another issue tomorrow!!


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Navel Nonsense

It's that typical holiday day at work: we all said we wouldn't be this way, yet here we are, working. Or, at least physically at work. The breaks are a little bit longer... the hallway conversations a little bit louder and lengthier... most people are absent, out somewhere preparing for Turkey Day or praising their chosen diety that they are not working.

I, however, am at work -- but, I have help now with three new workers and am finally just doing 2 people's jobs instead of 5. Today, even though I am at work, feels like a vacation.

So. There's been lots in my head lately and I need to get them out on paper at some point. Here's some broad categories.
-- I want to write a query paper to the XSL community regarding separating style from style sheets. Sounds counterproductive, but is sure provides an opportunity for some great extensibility, at least the way I see it.
-- I want to write some letters or thoughts about my favorite musicians/book authors (Stephen R. Donaldson, Kirsty Hawkshaw, Douglas Adams).
-- I want to do some website design now that I know a little more. It would be cool to re-work our picture website and make it a lot more fun.
-- I want to learn some more ASP.NET once school is over. Of all the classes I took this past 2 years, my programming classes are the ones I liked the most. Yes, everyone is nutso over Java, but once a Microsoft baby, always a Microsoft baby. I like .NET.

Well I guess that's it for now. I am pretty sure there's more I want to do. Watch for it here!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Unbeliever, Leper, Lover.

So the main thing I've been looking forward to lately is reading the newest book by my favorite author, Stephen R. Donaldson. When I learned earlier this year that "Runes of the Earth", the first of four books of the "Thomas Covenant" series (the "last chronicles of", in fact) I went nuts. As the book arrived freshly minted from Amazon.com, I had just started the first of the six prior books so I could be "up to speed".

This weekend, appropriately on vacation, I finally reached the new book, and boy does Donaldson deliver -- as usual. Despite the many year hiatus between this book and the prior set, I could not set the book down. I devoured it like a Raver and hurled the book to the floor at the awesome cliffhanger ending that made me shriek with joy and anticipation of the 2nd book. Not many books thrill me that way.

Do I have post-Donaldson/Covenant depression now that I've finished the book? No... I've got lots of anticipation (and his latest book from his private investigator series as well). Everyone should read Donaldson. I think someone from Amazon.com reviews summed up Donaldson pretty well in a comparison between him and Tolkein. To paraphrase, Tolkein wrote as an investigation of literature. Donaldson writes with fantasy and character in mind -- he really makes you see and feel the people he writes about.

OK. That's that. It's been good. It was timely with my much needed vacation. I am somewhat sane again, although sanity, like time and space, is relative.

Wherefore do I go hence? I go to a meeting and then lunch. But, I have my new XML peeps here and off I go to rule the world. Or at least my relative version of it.

I dedicate myself now to the idea that I'd like to write more frequent blog entries. Donations will be accepted to help my cause.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I Never Find Perfection

INFP: My Myers-Briggs personality profile. At work, I signed up to take a test to find out who I am. Well, the results are in, and it describes me perfectly!!
------
INTROVERTED-Applies to the way we interact with the world. Introverts are people whose thoughts and ideas are drawn inward. This type scan the external environment and make evaluations based on their inner ideas and mental concepts. They derive their energies from these inner ideas. It is important for them to take time to study and reflect on a subject to get the right idea, before taking action. This type is able to grasp and accept a moral principle in its abstract form. Introverts are territorial and desire space. They draw their energies from activities where they can be alone to meditate or activities that require few people. Introverts can experience a sense of loneliness when they are in a crowd. Some are the most alone when surrounded by people, especially strangers. This type can enjoy being around people, but it can drain their energies. They need to find quiet places and solitary activities where they can meditate and recharge. Many introverts achieve the ability to extravert, but they never become extraverts. Introverts enjoy their private time, and if this is easily invaded, they learn to develop a high level of concentration so as to shut out the external world. Many view them as great listeners, but they may view others as taking advantage of this. They may have problems expressing themselves and are sometimes labeled by others as shy. Many times they will have to rehearse things before they say them. This type may wish to get their ideas out more forcefully and like to state their thoughts and feelings without interruption. They resent ones that blurt out something they were just about to say.

INTUITIVE-Applies to the way we take in information. Intuitive types look for the possibilities in life. What is possible is always in front of them, pulling at them like a magnet. Intuitive types are attracted to fantasy, fiction, and the future. They may enjoy figuring out how things work just for the sheer pleasure of doing so. This type is attracted to pun and word games. They are masters at metaphors and smilies. Intuitive tends to think of several things at once and because of this are sometimes labeled as absentminded. This type likes to look at the big picture. They try to read between the lines, not accepting things at face value. Intuitive types tend to trust their hunch, their gut feeling, and this usually prove right, since they are highly in tune with their intuitive powers, their sixth sense. They are creative and imaginative, but are sometimes viewed as dreamers.

FEELING-Applies to the way we come to decisions. Feeling types make decisions based on how others feel. They are empathetic and sympathetic to others needs. This type puts themselves out for others, putting others needs above those of their own. Feeling types value and almost insist on others living in harmony. They will avoid conflict at all cost. This type tries to please others. They will take a comment back if they say something that offends someone else. Feeling types are usually friendly, tactful, and enjoy contributing to the welfare of others. They are personable, being more interested in people than in things.

PERCEPTIVE-Applies to the way we structure our lives. Perceptive types put much value on the open ended. They do not like to come to a conclusion unless forced to and then may still be uncomfortable with its closure. Being aware of how many factors are involved and how much is still unknown, they are terrified at making a rash decision. They hope they can solve a problem simply by understanding it better, by seeing it from all sides and eventually being able to see the thing to do. They love to explore the unknown. They don't like to be pinned down, to plan a task, to make definite statements. They prefer to be spontaneous, to live for the moment. They like to make-work fun or they lose interest in it. They don't believe in deadlines, but use them instead as alarm clocks allowing them to pick up spurts of energy at the last minute and accomplish the task. In conversations they can jump from subject to subject, depending on whatever enters their mind, or whatever enters the room.

PERSONALITY PROFILES
INFPs-live their lives focusing on their values. They know what is important to them and protect this at all cost. Their values focus on the optimistic verses the pessimistic, although they are often conscious of the negative. To understand the INFP is to understand their cause. They can work tirelessly toward a cause that they deem worthy. They will quietly let others know what is important to them, and rarely will they give up on their purpose. They will go along with the crowd, sometimes even letting decisions be made for them, until someone violates their value system. Then they will dig their heels into the ground and will speak up for their feelings, insisting their values be followed.

INFPs are withdrawn and are sometimes hard to get to know. Some may view them as shy. But those that take the time to get to know them will find them warm and gentle, with a surprising sense of humor. They care deeply for those they consider special friends. Putting forth-unusual sacrifices to help such individuals. They often have a subtle, tragic motif running through their lives -- inner pain and unease which others seldom detect.

INFPs are creative and are constantly seeking out new possibilities. They have a gift with language and usually will express this by means of writing. Their intuitive preference supplies the imagination and their feeling preference giving them the need to communicate. They are gifted at interpreting symbols -- being drawn to metaphors and smilies. Because of these gifts they often write in lyrical fashion.

INFPs work must be more than just a paycheck, it must be fun and must contribute to something that is important to their values. To be the most productive they need a sense of purpose behind their job. They often have to look at the large picture in order to see how specific programs fit in. They are adaptable to changes and to new ideas. They work well with others being conscius of others' feelings and relating with most, though not always vocally. They like to work with others who are cooperative and who share their same set of values. They strive for harmony and dislike conflict.

INFPs treasure their privacy and may keep a lot to themselves. They need time and space for reflection. Others usually get along well with them, although they may not know them intimately.

INFPs may not always be organized. They may tend to lose things or to forget appointments. Only when they see the importance of organization in a task will they strive to work at it in an organized way to get it done. They can be extremely patient with complicated issues, but may become impatient with routine and details.

INFPs strive for perfection, and this is especially the case when using their feeling preference. They may have trouble finishing a project, because they never find it is good enough. Even when the project must be finished, they may feel the need to go back and improve on it later.

Reluctantly INFPs may accept leadership roles. They lead with their values being their guide. They do not aggressively lead people, but rather work with people to develop their talents and to independently achieve their goals. They have a hard time criticizing others, but will try to motivate them by their appreciation and praise. When conflicts arise, they avoid directly approaching the situation, but would rather wait for the others to work out the situation themselves.

INFPs view leisure activity as very important. However they may have a difficulty separating it from work. If they have a special skill they use at work, they may use this skill in their leisure time to help friends, family or those in need. When they are interested in pursuing a new leisure activity, they may spend a great deal of time researching this activity. Many INFPs enjoy activities that are done alone such as reading, listening to music, or gardening. This gives them the opportunity for reflection and meditation. They may also enjoy social activities with those they feel close to. When they want to be social they can be outgoing, charming and quite funny, making them a pleasure to have around.

INFPs present a calm and pleasant face to the world around them. Because they are reserved, they may be overlooked. But to those that know them they have a view into their warmth and concern and their deep commitments to their values.

OCCUPATIONAL CHOICES
Actor
Artist
Architect
Church Worker
College Professor: Humanities/Art
Counselor
Editor
Educational Consultant
Employment Development Specialist
English Teacher
Fine Arts Teacher
Human Resources Development Specialist
Journalist
Librarian
Minister/Priest
Missionary
Musician
Psychiatry
Psychologist
Religious Educator
Researcher
Social Scientist
Social Worker
Speech Pathologist
Writer: poet/Novelist

STRENGTHS:
They can do a good job of blending production with compassion for the work force. They enjoy giving freedom for each to develop according to their own personality and are willing to give commendation and have a listening ear for new ideas. They are able to communicate well with others on a one to one basis.

They are intellectually astute, competent, and enriched with idealism.

They have a high need to be of service to others. They enjoy working toward causes they believe in.

They work well alone, and are faithful to their duties and obligations.

WEAKNESSES:
When the workplace becomes negative, they may become restless. They can have mood swings between stubbornness and criticism. This is uncharacteristic of their nature and is an indicator of stress.

They are perfectionists. They may be self-critical. They feel there is never enough time to do the job right. They must recognize when to quit, and live with a less than perfect product. They also must realize that others will never fully meet up to their expectations.

They may become discouraged if their work is not geared toward something they believe in. They want control of their projects, and if they lose control they can lose interest.

They may have trouble working in a competitive environment.

They may become unrealistic when planning a project. They may become inflexible when requested to change some of their ideas.

CAREER NEEDS
They need work that allows them to express their vision, and lets them work within their own set of values and beliefs.

They need work that gives them control over the product and the process of creating it, allowing them time to fully develop their ideas.

They need work that gives them a private space and uninterrupted time, but allows them from time to time to meet with ones they respect, and bounce their ideas off them.

They need work that gives them a flexible schedule, with no restraint to rules and regulations, and allows them to work as they feel inspired.

They need work that is done in a tension free environment, with other creative caring individuals.

They need work that lets them be original, and that encourages personal growth and rewards it.

They need work that gives them time to do the best possible job, and that doesn't call for them to do presentations of their ideas before large crowds.

They need work that lets them help others to learn how to grow and develop their full potential.

They need work that allows them to develop deep one to one relationships with people, letting them understand others and discover what makes them tick.

They need work that allows them to fulfill their ideas, without being limited by money, time, or other obstacles.

IN THE WORKPLACE
INFPs enjoy working alone, treasuring the opportunity for contemplation. They enjoy variety in whatever they do. They enjoy taking on new projects and activities, but have a tendency to take on too many things at once. They get a sense of satisfaction from the fact that nothing is constant, which means they can positively influence a cause in a positive or constructive way. INFPs are loyal and industrious team players. They work hard to achieve team harmony and make their work meaningful. They are encouraged from approval from others, but when criticized they may be deeply hurt, taking such criticism personally.

INFPs can be powerful leaders when dealing with people and drawing people together to achieve their purpose.

INFPs lead with people in mind. They look to the individual growth and development and will look for a way to encourage and support such growth. They may tend to relate with a few special people, being drawn to their causes and goals. They quietly encourage these individuals to achieve whatever they set out to do.

INFPs manage in a very quiet unassuming way, getting personally involved with individuals within the organization. They are at their best dealing with people, drawing out their outstanding qualities. They are naturally tuned into the motivations and emotions of others, having a gift at understanding individual differences. Because INFPs are focused in on people's emotions and motivations, they become aware of and get involved in their co-workers personal problems. They may feel obligated at resolving disagreements and conflicts among employees, trying to create an atmosphere of harmony.

INFPs listen carefully and intently to others, giving them individual attentions and responding with the proper feedback for the needed situation. They masterfully show appreciation and give praise when they find the appropriate opportunity. They direct their praise toward human accomplishment. They are alert to individual potential and look for ways to help individuals meet that potential.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Ruin

On my way to work this morning I saw the ground along the highway torn up at the turn where I stop every day before approaching work. Yesterday I'd seen the construction crew beginning their digging and I smelled the raw earth and dirt and thought that this kind of work was not so bad for the earth as I usually think -- isn't the earth made for changing and growth?

Today, the stretch of ground was longer and now devoid of grass. I remembered, suddenly, the stretch of flowers that until yesterday occupied that space every spring. Instead of fresh and new, the earth looked tired and worn.

I reflected on my own inner world -- also tired and worn from continuous pressures of work. I remember now how it feels to have the flowers gone.

Too tired to move or protest.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Hearing Aid

So, today, after a long work-induced hiatus I am going to try my hand at blogging again. I'm pretty worn out by the work events of the last few months: 75+ hour weeks, post traumatic stress disorder, fear, expectation, etc. You know, standard work stuff.

So lately I am focused on people not hearing me. This is happening at work with all the haulacitude going on quite a bit. I mean, I have a bunch of ideas about how to redo things for this process but no one seems interested in listening. It's getting irritating. I am thinking of boycotting a managers meeting today to see if anyone notices.

It's like, I have an idea and there's no infrastructure for me to provide that idea anywhere and have it be reviewed and accepted and put into place. There's no sponsors at the level of innovation I am suggesting, so how can a good idea succeed within a given framework? How can a company move forward without a way for ideas to reach a place of review and decision?

So, that's my damage. I am full of great process concepts and have no way to express them. I take them to supervisors and managers and they say, "wow, that's a great idea!" but then nothing happens. How can it? There's no way to move those ideas anywhere.

No one is listeninig. It's possible they can't. I'm still pissed.

In other news, the work we did is fantastic and will be awesome to behold when released to the general public and students at large. It's really quite a miracle.

More later or tomorrow or at least sooner than several months. Thanks for waiting.