Yesterday was a very bad day. It was about change management.
Not that change management is bad, mind you. But, there is a lot of shifting going on. I started with a dream of a co-worker dying. He has cancer in waking-life and all options has failed. Despite his eternal optimism, the end may be near and I woke up early to the sounds of sirens, cat noise, and imagery of me writing a sad, useless eulogy.
I got grouchy from there. It was too early and I had a day filled with 8 meetings. I got grouchy at friends and obviously didn't want to be around people. So, I suffered through the day.
At a particularly low point I realized all this is about change management. Death is a form of change, and the process we are going through right now at work is about a dramatic change in the way we do things, and I have recently become a Manager(tm), so there's a change. I've noticed I resist change just a little bit. Apparently it's stressful to me.
It has to do with the unknown, with fears: beliefs that I won't measure up or won't do what is needed or will affect many people badly. It's easy to say "to Hell" with what other people think of me, but I don't really believe it. So, the need to be accepted is about validation and that means lack of self-confidence...right? Yeah, probably. See how I needed your input?
So, if I take it further: what is lack of self-confidence about? Lack of self-acceptance, of who I am, of what I do. Not an absence of it, but a lack of it at 100%. It's a familiar belief-pattern to accept my unworthiness at things: I automatically assume if I've never done it before I won't be good at it simply from a lack of experience standpoint. But isn't that where talent and intuition come in? I suppose I discount those.
Obviously some change management is needed in my belief structures. Change doesn't mean elimination, but does mean acceptance. Perhaps it's time to accept something is there that is valuable because it's exactly who and what I need to be right now, even if it's not where I want to be. That's not abstract or anything.
The stress is the discord of my core energy letting me know I don't like something about myself. Usually I, and we as a people, stop at recognizing there's an emotion being communicated. The trick appears to be recognizing the emotion and accepting what is behind it: the reasons and beliefs.
Change is good; it's the lifeblood of existence. It shouldn't be stressful. I think I'll work at changing that, now that I know what to look for.
I'm learning a computer language today. For some reason, it's easy to forget that a computer language is just like learning an audible language, like Spanish or French. I realized, living in San Antonio now for 18 years that I should probably learn Spanish, and am looking at a very beginners course. In the mean time, I am learning XML, a structured computer language used for transferring information between disparate systems.
This makes me wonder what I am really getting at. Hmmmm let's analyze the thoughts there: desire to learn new languages must mean a desire to extend myself and to communicate in different ways. Perhaps I am realizing that the old ways of communicating are lost and new ways must be etched out to shake up the cobwebs of thought in my head.
I guess I can even relate it back to what's going on in the world today (from my perspective): TV is going downhill -- I mean, I think it's stupid to watch shows like The Apprentice and anything to do with Reality TV makes me hurl just a little bit. They're so dumb and so unReal. What are we wasting our time for? What happened to the ideal of educational tv? The Reality is that we are now catering to the dumb masses for the sake of ratings and money. Epiphany! Television networks as infomercials themselves.
I guess it all is moot -- it's up to me to choose what I like or don't like. I don't think I judge other people for watching these shows, but the fact they are in my visual experience means I have some help in creating them and I can't help but wonder why and wonder I get that "all is lost & out of control" feeling when these tv shows come on. When did we decide to make a profit on how vulnerable, greedy, and gullible we can all be? And why is it so interesting to see how vulnerable, greedy, and gullible other people will be? Is it a subtle desire to think we're better than everyone else? What language are we really trying to communicate in?
Well, food for thought I guess. I'm going back to XML namespaces and applications. Maybe I'll start up so Spanish soon. Maybe I'll just have a taco for lunch.
This morning was very foggy on the way to work. There's a place where I turn the corner at 281 and 1604 where I am pointing due East and the sun is always in my eyes. Today, it was foggy so it looked reddish orangeish. I could see the disc of the sun clearly -- it was diffused enough that I could look at it without destroying my retinas. I had a brief irrational confusion where I thought it was the moon and I thought, "oh look, the moon... I mean the sun... is full."
I drank two beers last night, and ate a hamburger and fries. I didn't follow it up with my usual water to help flush the system out. My brain is foggy this morning and I have a strong desire to put my head down on my desk at work today. But, I have to give a 9am presentation on the technology of a database we use at work. I better be clever and funny or it's my ass.
I also have 8 meetings today, one going through lunch. Then, it's the weekend. It's not supposed to be foggy this weekend. I'm getting the oil changed in my car. I also have to study a lot.
This is really boring. I must be in tune with the fog. So maybe I will get some coffee and check back later and write something that has more caffeine in it and isn't related to work. This blog is about me, not my work. I am not my work. I hope I am not my work. I think I am a Mountain Laurel tree.
\Um`bi*li"cus\, n. [L. See Umbilic.] 1. (Anat.) The depression, or mark, in the median line of the abdomen, which indicates the point where the umbilical cord separated from the fetus; the navel.
2. (Gr. & Rom. Antiq.) An ornamented or painted ball or boss fastened at each end of the stick on which manuscripts were rolled. --Dr. W. Smith.
3. (Bot.) The hilum.
4. (Zo["o]l.) (a) A depression or opening in the center of the base of many spiral shells. (b) Either one of the two apertures in the calamus of a feather.
5. (Geom.) (a) One of foci of an ellipse, or other curve. [Obs.] (b) A point of a surface at which the curvatures of the normal sections are all equal to each other. A sphere may be osculatory to the surface in every direction at an umbilicus. Called also umbilic.
Those of you who know me know that I don't have much of a belly button. This, from my umbilical hernia surgery August 29, 2001. It seemed relevant to create a blog about the psycho-spiritual implications of losing one's bellybutton. This also allows my topic range to be quite expansive.
To begin with, I am at work, which provides very little nurturing. Nourishment and things generally associated with the bellybutton are somewhat absent at the moment -- it's all drive, push, succeed, climb, protect, etc... but, well, that's work I suppose.
Don't worry, explanations of the mysteries of the umbilicus will begin soon. But, I've got to get to work in the mean-time.