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Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Ich Bin eine Evildoer

I really am getting somewhere. I've been a dick lately -- especial to Dawn (props to Dawn for putting up with me). All this belief deconstruction has shown me that I do not like change as much as I thought or claim to think.

To begin with, I have become angry. Why should I change? Why is this happening? Why do I do these things? Psychologists everywhere put their fingers on their lips and think silently, "First stage of change/grief process". They're right. I am angry, resistant, and indignant. I get mad and don't even realize I am mad. My words just spill out like some kind of putrescent baby-spew.

Oddly enough, I don't act this way at work. At work, I am slightly withdrawn, somewhat tired but agreeable in general. It's only on familiar, safe turf that I turn into The Bastard.

But, all is not lost. I worked out on Monday and this morning. My "schedule" is 3 days a week for 30 minutes. I've done 15 mins of cardio on Monday and 25 today. Then, I follow it with 15-20 minutes on the BowFlex. Yes, it feels good. Dammit.

Then there's my thoughts: they are changing. I can feel them shifting like a sand dune against a stiff wind. Apparently I have a belief about being dramatic somewhere: all this change must be hard so that I have something to bitch about.

But, what's different about this attempt versus all the other failed health/fitness/financial attempts is that I am becoming a dick and just fighting the whole way. This means I will finally make it. Sounds like a belief to me.


Anonymous said...

Good for you on the work out stuff--I've been doing it for 2 weeks--3 days a week for an hour. 15 minutes warming up on the track (just walking) 15 minutes stretching, 15 minutes strength stuff on the balance ball, and 15 minutes cardio. You're right, it feels awesome. And I don't try to over-do it--more important to me than quick results is that I establish a pattern in my life--a belief that I can stick to an excercise program. Ofcourse, sometimes C. whines that I'm not at home waiting for him after work like I used to be. That's when I get angry. -nes

Teej said...

I, too, have battled with an anger issue because my body is changing: I can't eat whatever I want to anymore; and I get injured more easily and recovery takes far longer than a week or two! I've been working on just accepting "what is." In my angrier moments I've asked, "Why me?" (Talk about spewing putrescence.) As a sage friend replied, "Why not me?"

What has helped me shift my thoughts is this: I am different now, and therefore I work out in different ways and for different reasons. For example, instead of focusing on having a sculpted body (hey, I'm not 19 anymore), I focus on the kind of life I want to live. I want to be able to travel when I'm 80. I want to be able to tie my own shoes and brush my own hair when I'm 90. This has really turned eating right and working out into something beautiful and attractive to me - for me, being healthy is about life and love, it's not a "beauty competition" anymore. (It's also helped that I've quit watching TV and reading fashion magazines! Remember: Advertising works, otherwise companies wouldn't spend billions of dollars on it.)