I really am getting somewhere. I've been a dick lately -- especial to Dawn (props to Dawn for putting up with me). All this belief deconstruction has shown me that I do not like change as much as I thought or claim to think.
To begin with, I have become angry. Why should I change? Why is this happening? Why do I do these things? Psychologists everywhere put their fingers on their lips and think silently, "First stage of change/grief process". They're right. I am angry, resistant, and indignant. I get mad and don't even realize I am mad. My words just spill out like some kind of putrescent baby-spew.
Oddly enough, I don't act this way at work. At work, I am slightly withdrawn, somewhat tired but agreeable in general. It's only on familiar, safe turf that I turn into The Bastard.
But, all is not lost. I worked out on Monday and this morning. My "schedule" is 3 days a week for 30 minutes. I've done 15 mins of cardio on Monday and 25 today. Then, I follow it with 15-20 minutes on the BowFlex. Yes, it feels good. Dammit.
Then there's my thoughts: they are changing. I can feel them shifting like a sand dune against a stiff wind. Apparently I have a belief about being dramatic somewhere: all this change must be hard so that I have something to bitch about.
But, what's different about this attempt versus all the other failed health/fitness/financial attempts is that I am becoming a dick and just fighting the whole way. This means I will finally make it. Sounds like a belief to me.
Dec. 28, 2011 - Day 656
6 years ago