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Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Bang on the drums all day.

Mood: dispirited. Music: none.
It's hard to qualify a day as bad or good--so why call it a bad day, or a good day for that matter? The day is somewhat external to me (although I create it, secretly)--the wind will continue to blow, the rain may fall, the sun may shine, all independent of how I feel.

I feel dispirited (yet nature cares not) about work. There are times when I feel overwhelmed by the possibility of success and of failure. All these things are based on my beliefs of course--who defines success?? I do. Who defines failure?? I do.

So why do I go to such great lengths to believe I need to "succeed" and why do I go to such great lengths to believe that success is just too hard to accomplish? Why do I put these perceptive blocks in my way. Joining another group means having to do this and having to do that and all the other things that just seem so complex to accomplish such a simple thing, really. "Why bother?" I keep asking myself, while answering myself in the same irritated droning voice, "pay the bills, feed the belly, etc, etc. blah blah blah pffffttttt."

What if I just up and quite the job? What if I decided to pursue an active career in cardboard home living? Who is to say something 100% better won't come along? Who? Trust in self, that's who. That same trust in self that says I can make my job whatever I want it to be--it's up to me. Self responsibility sometimes blows.

Right now, more than anything? I wish I was playing Galaxies and eating a big triglyceride in solid form: Krispy Kreme doughnuts. What am I doing? Preparing for a meeting I abhor the idea of going to and having to write and think in ways I don't want to for someone else's pleasure.

So, who will win? See you after the meeting.
Mood: More dispirited. Music: griping internal dialogue

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