Yesterday was a very bad day. It was about change management.
Not that change management is bad, mind you. But, there is a lot of shifting going on. I started with a dream of a co-worker dying. He has cancer in waking-life and all options has failed. Despite his eternal optimism, the end may be near and I woke up early to the sounds of sirens, cat noise, and imagery of me writing a sad, useless eulogy.
I got grouchy from there. It was too early and I had a day filled with 8 meetings. I got grouchy at friends and obviously didn't want to be around people. So, I suffered through the day.
At a particularly low point I realized all this is about change management. Death is a form of change, and the process we are going through right now at work is about a dramatic change in the way we do things, and I have recently become a Manager(tm), so there's a change. I've noticed I resist change just a little bit. Apparently it's stressful to me.
It has to do with the unknown, with fears: beliefs that I won't measure up or won't do what is needed or will affect many people badly. It's easy to say "to Hell" with what other people think of me, but I don't really believe it. So, the need to be accepted is about validation and that means lack of self-confidence...right? Yeah, probably. See how I needed your input?
So, if I take it further: what is lack of self-confidence about? Lack of self-acceptance, of who I am, of what I do. Not an absence of it, but a lack of it at 100%. It's a familiar belief-pattern to accept my unworthiness at things: I automatically assume if I've never done it before I won't be good at it simply from a lack of experience standpoint. But isn't that where talent and intuition come in? I suppose I discount those.
Obviously some change management is needed in my belief structures. Change doesn't mean elimination, but does mean acceptance. Perhaps it's time to accept something is there that is valuable because it's exactly who and what I need to be right now, even if it's not where I want to be. That's not abstract or anything.
The stress is the discord of my core energy letting me know I don't like something about myself. Usually I, and we as a people, stop at recognizing there's an emotion being communicated. The trick appears to be recognizing the emotion and accepting what is behind it: the reasons and beliefs.
Change is good; it's the lifeblood of existence. It shouldn't be stressful. I think I'll work at changing that, now that I know what to look for.
Dec. 28, 2011 - Day 656
5 years ago