The Evil of ancient times has returned: Cedar.

I find myself alsmost wishing this morning that I had the flu. Instead, I have Cedar Fever. Although fever is actually conspicuously absent, Cedar Fever is the scourge of South Texas from December through March or so. Having had the flu last year at this time, I almost -- almost -- prefer it's high-intensity short duration.

Itchy eyes, runny nose, sore throat, 2 hours of sleep last night spend fighting off a "drowning in snot" feeling. Yes, it's close enough to be a close cousin of the flu. Cedar Fever shrugs off Allegra-D like it was mere mist. Saturday I was fine. Sunday, all the gates of Hell opened to welcome me home for a few months.

You know I am going to turn this into an impromptu belief extraction session. For variety, I will make it more narrative and hopefully fun. Despite the fact I feel possessed, I will do what I can to stay positive and less soul-crushingingly malevolent. I'll also make it short.

Cedar is evil. Oh wait, that's a fact not a belief. lol

"I feel miserable from Cedar allergies."
Misery loves company -- there's bunches of us suffering right now, so there's got to be a belief in mass creation of suffering. It's no coincidence this time of year is about suffering: there's the holidays, shopping, Christmas, and other suffering factors. Really, though, there must be something about this time of year that makes us suffer. So, why, from a belief standpoint would I want to inflict allergies on myself.

At this point it's probably important to note that this reality creation stuff focuses on the premise that belief, imagination, and thoughts form emotions and reality. There's entire books written about this and I recommend you check them out for more information. It'll make your life a boatload better. Start with "The Nature of Personal Reality" by Jane Roberts.

So, to create something that makes you feel bad and want to be antisocial. I think this is about rebellion and also joining a group creation. Those of us who get sick -- or, me at least -- are those who need a break from something. I worked my fat little behind off all this year and have such a drive to work, work, work, work, work, that I apparently create a need for my body to shut down. The seasonal allergy thing is a way I know it will happen each year.

Think about it this way: in the grand scheme of a workaholic's life, what way can I guarantee that I work relentlessly all year but give myself a mandatory down time I won't give myself voluntarily? Why, some kind of repeatable yet harmless sickness. This makes sense to me. I never rest. I never take it easy. Except when I am sick, or I force myself into vacation out of sheer exhaustion (like I did in November).

So, how can I counteract this plague of plagues? How to stop the evil that is Cedar? Changing beliefs. I can turn it around and say, "It's ok to relax. Take a break, Friedman." And, then, actually do it. That may have the effect of relaxing the belief rigidity, and allow me to breathe better and not feel so evil. Perhaps I'll take one of my leftover vacation days next week -- curl up on the couch with a good book (I am reading the aforementioned guidebook, NPR), pet the cat and snooze the day away in silent contemplation of all that is decent in the world. If I agree to it and do it right, I may not have a single sniffle.

Sounds like a plan. Another belief accepted.

Ich Bin eine Evildoer

I really am getting somewhere. I've been a dick lately -- especial to Dawn (props to Dawn for putting up with me). All this belief deconstruction has shown me that I do not like change as much as I thought or claim to think.

To begin with, I have become angry. Why should I change? Why is this happening? Why do I do these things? Psychologists everywhere put their fingers on their lips and think silently, "First stage of change/grief process". They're right. I am angry, resistant, and indignant. I get mad and don't even realize I am mad. My words just spill out like some kind of putrescent baby-spew.

Oddly enough, I don't act this way at work. At work, I am slightly withdrawn, somewhat tired but agreeable in general. It's only on familiar, safe turf that I turn into The Bastard.

But, all is not lost. I worked out on Monday and this morning. My "schedule" is 3 days a week for 30 minutes. I've done 15 mins of cardio on Monday and 25 today. Then, I follow it with 15-20 minutes on the BowFlex. Yes, it feels good. Dammit.

Then there's my thoughts: they are changing. I can feel them shifting like a sand dune against a stiff wind. Apparently I have a belief about being dramatic somewhere: all this change must be hard so that I have something to bitch about.

But, what's different about this attempt versus all the other failed health/fitness/financial attempts is that I am becoming a dick and just fighting the whole way. This means I will finally make it. Sounds like a belief to me.

I think therefore I feel

So. It's been quite a week since last I posted. After my belief deconstruction post, I experienced several days of very good energy. However, this past weekend I "crashed" and experienced some devastating poor energy filled with self-deprecation and frustration. This morning as I drove to work in a dreary rainfall (reality creationists will note the significance of this imagery) I heard my mind utter that terrible anti-Sumari refrain: "I am not special.". WELL! Time to continue the belief deconstruction. Obviously I am getting somewhere.

To continue. "I feel fat" -- from a food perspective.

I feel fat.

Linked emotions, food-related:

• Feeling fat makes me dislike food
• Feeling fat makes me eat uncontrollably
• Feeling fat makes me crave "bad" foods

Now, again, belief statements that create those emotions.

Feeling fat makes me dislike food:
-- I believe foods I like are not good for me
-- I believe food is functional only

Feeling fat makes me eat uncontrollably:
-- I believe I should not be restricted on what I eat
-- I believe I have no willpower with food

Feeling fat makes me crave "bad" foods
-- I believe some foods are bad for me
-- I believe I like eating foods that are bad for me

Now, where do those beliefs come from?

I believe foods I like are not good for me:
-- I believe I do not have a good concept of nutrition

I believe food is functional only:
-- I believe food is boring

I believe I should not be restricted on what I eat:
-- I believe my body can handle whatever I serve it

I believe I have no willpower with food:
-- I believe I eat habitually to cover insecurity

I believe some foods are bad for me:
-- I believe "fast" or "processed" foods can harm me

I believe I like eating foods that are bad for me:
-- I believe it is convenient to eat fast/processed food
-- I believe there's no reason to cook when I am busy

To summarize, now:

1. I believe I do not have a good concept of nutrition
2. I believe food is boring
3. I believe my body can handle whatever I serve it
4. I believe I eat habitually to cover insecurity
5. I believe "fast" or "processed" foods can harm me
6. I believe it is convenient to eat fast/processed food
7. I believe there's no reason to cook when I am busy

There's no shortage of belief conflicts here: "I believe my body can handle whatever I serve it" and "I believe fast/processed foods can harm me". So, once again, turn it around into more positive beliefs:

1. I believe I can become knowledgable about nutrition
2. I believe food can be exciting
3. I believe my body can handle whatever I serve it
4. I believe I can handle insecurities through other methods than eating
5. I believe "fast" or "processed" foods can be minimzed
6. I believe it is detrimental to eat fast/processed food
7. I believe cooking is a more fulfilling method of preparing food

Ultimately, some may find it interesting that the new set of believes are not "positive". Why, for example, do I not just utterly remove fast foods from my diet? Well, for one thing, they taste good despite perceived health risks. Also, I think it's unrealistic to eliminate something -- it reduces choice. However, I can definitely shift my attention so that it's minimized. This will enhance my enjoyment of those foods but reduce the risk. The key here is finding the impulsiveness, which I hope to target through believing food doesn't have to be a scapegoat for insecurity. Additionally, well-prepared home meals can be more fulfilling because I spend more time in their creation -- and I'll save $$ in the process.

So, that's all for now -- next time I think I'll tackle my beliefs around exercise and see if I can figure out why I have desires to exercise but never actually find the motivation to do it -- chosing instead to sit in front of the computer or TV.

A Great Disturbance in the Force.

I wanted to check in today, however late and report back that, although I haven't deconstructed another belief set today I did think about and, reality creation was positive today. I don't think it's a coincidence.

Ever notice that when you decide to make a change in yourself for the better, such as leaving a job, then all of the sudden everything that used to piss you off so much seems lighter or less intense? I attribute this to the commitment of energy to be more positive. It ripples out from the moment point of decision and affects all belief constructs -- even the 'negative' ones you held prior, so they seem 'better'.

So, today, after my belief construction yesterday, I had a really solid good day -- it's been over a year since I had one. Everything at work went right, I suddenly saw new opportunities that weren't there before, and everything was the way I wanted it to be.

More belief deconstruction will follow, for sure -- if it continues this positive, I want more.

I would like to point out, as my Sumafi wife pointed at in typical Sumafi fashion : this isn't really belief deconstruction so much as belief acceptance. In typical Sumari fashion, I demured but will continue to call it whatever the hell I want to. :) It's my reality, after all.

I think tomorrow I want to still deal with "I feel fat", but from a food-oriented point of view. Last night, after the belief work I went out and got doughnuts. This seems counter productive, but I insist it's a good sign -- it means I am stirring the pot and falling back on safety, which means I am creating the energy and intention of changing it. I think after the food-point of view, I'll tackle the protection point of view and see what happens.

Have a good night. Thanks for playing.

Feel free to comment to any posts by clicking on the comments link below them.

Belief Deconstruction

So, today I am going to do an exercise for myself in belief deconstruction. This is an exercise I learned at a Seth workshop a number of years ago, and have felt the need to try it out.

The point of belief deconstruction is to work back from a feeling to the core beliefs that provide the issue you are working on so much energy. In that way, by isolating the belief, you can accept you have the belief and then change it because it no longer has hold over you.

In keeping with the holiday spirit, I am going to deal with the feeling I have of being fat. Now, to many I may not appear fat, but in my head I'm saying, "I feel fat, I feel full, etc.". So, regardless of how others see me, this is how I see me. Thus, the feeling: I feel fat.

From this feeling, I state linked emotions -- there may be several:

• Feeling fat makes me feel embarrassed.
• Feeling fat makes me feel lazy.
• Feeling fat makes me feel insufficient/incapable of doing what I want.

Now, the fun part -- finding belief statements that generate the emotion.

Feeling fat makes me feel embarrassed:
-- I believe other people will not like looking at me
-- I believe other people will not like being around me

Feeling fat makes me feel lazy.
-- I believe it's too hard to make the fat go away: requires exercise & diet
-- I believe I don't want to change my habits

Feeling fat makes me feel insufficient:
-- I believe I am too out of shape to do anything well
-- I believe I won't have enough energy or attention to do things

Obviously there's more beliefs, but this is a start. Next, I take those beliefs and ask why that belief is there:

I believe other people will not like looking at me:
-- I believe other people don't like looking at fat people

I believe other people will not like being around me:
-- I believe people are more interested in looks than brains

I believe it's too hard to make the fat go away: requires exercise & diet
-- I believe it requires too much effort to get into shape.

I believe I don't want to change my habits
-- I believe change is unknown and scary

I believe I am too out of shape to do anything well
-- I believe if I am out of shape, I will have an excuse not to do something well.

I believe I won't have enough energy or attention to do things:
-- I believe I don't have limitless energy and power, or adequate power to accomplish my goals.

Things are starting to become clearer: If I refine one more time, I might have some interesting core beliefs to work with.

1. I believe I don't like looking at out-of-shape people.
2. I believe people are more interested in looks than brains.
3. I believe it requires too much effort to get into shape.
4. I believe change is unknown and scary.
5. I believe if I am out of shape, I will have an excuse not to do something well.
6. I believe I don't have adequate power to accomplish my goals.

So -- given this set of core beliefs, when I decide I want to get into shape (like now, during the holidays) I start feeling intense laziness and tiredness and lack of motivation.

Notice how some of these beliefs conflict with each other: "I believe I don't like looking at out of shape people" and "I believe it requires too much effort to get into shape." These two beliefs conflict with each other. The first expresses a desire to get into shape, the second expresses that my desire to get into shape is too difficult. Working on those two beliefs, they manifest as an emotion of frustration.

So the next step? I guess it's to realize that I chose to align with those beliefs and emotions. From there, I can choose other beliefs and emotions to accomplish my goals. This helps me clarify my goal, also. Remember -- I started with "I feel fat". Now, I realize that my goal is not the opposite of "I feel fat", such as "I feel skinny", but rather, "I feel fit, I feel energized". The original "I feel fat" emotions arrived from the conflict of beliefs. If I align my beliefs, then my emotions will be different.

To conclude, here's six different core beliefs to help align in a different way:

1. I believe I don't like being an out-of-shape person.
2. I believe people are interested in looks and brains.
3. I believe geting into shape is effortless.
4. I believe change is safe and easy.
5. I believe if I am in shape, I will have an excuse not to do something well. :)
6. I believe I have more than adequate power to accomplish my goals.

I could abstract these just a little further to make them true core beliefs:

1. I believe I am fit.
2. I believe I accomplish my goals effortlessly.
3. I believe I change safely and easily.
4. I believe I do all things well.
5. I believe I have limitless energy.

If you think about it, when you were a kid -- aren't these the beliefs you held??? What happened?

This has been an interesting exercise! I'll tackle another issue tomorrow!!

Navel Nonsense

It's that typical holiday day at work: we all said we wouldn't be this way, yet here we are, working. Or, at least physically at work. The breaks are a little bit longer... the hallway conversations a little bit louder and lengthier... most people are absent, out somewhere preparing for Turkey Day or praising their chosen diety that they are not working.

I, however, am at work -- but, I have help now with three new workers and am finally just doing 2 people's jobs instead of 5. Today, even though I am at work, feels like a vacation.

So. There's been lots in my head lately and I need to get them out on paper at some point. Here's some broad categories.
-- I want to write a query paper to the XSL community regarding separating style from style sheets. Sounds counterproductive, but is sure provides an opportunity for some great extensibility, at least the way I see it.
-- I want to write some letters or thoughts about my favorite musicians/book authors (Stephen R. Donaldson, Kirsty Hawkshaw, Douglas Adams).
-- I want to do some website design now that I know a little more. It would be cool to re-work our picture website and make it a lot more fun.
-- I want to learn some more ASP.NET once school is over. Of all the classes I took this past 2 years, my programming classes are the ones I liked the most. Yes, everyone is nutso over Java, but once a Microsoft baby, always a Microsoft baby. I like .NET.

Well I guess that's it for now. I am pretty sure there's more I want to do. Watch for it here!

Unbeliever, Leper, Lover.

So the main thing I've been looking forward to lately is reading the newest book by my favorite author, Stephen R. Donaldson. When I learned earlier this year that "Runes of the Earth", the first of four books of the "Thomas Covenant" series (the "last chronicles of", in fact) I went nuts. As the book arrived freshly minted from Amazon.com, I had just started the first of the six prior books so I could be "up to speed".

This weekend, appropriately on vacation, I finally reached the new book, and boy does Donaldson deliver -- as usual. Despite the many year hiatus between this book and the prior set, I could not set the book down. I devoured it like a Raver and hurled the book to the floor at the awesome cliffhanger ending that made me shriek with joy and anticipation of the 2nd book. Not many books thrill me that way.

Do I have post-Donaldson/Covenant depression now that I've finished the book? No... I've got lots of anticipation (and his latest book from his private investigator series as well). Everyone should read Donaldson. I think someone from Amazon.com reviews summed up Donaldson pretty well in a comparison between him and Tolkein. To paraphrase, Tolkein wrote as an investigation of literature. Donaldson writes with fantasy and character in mind -- he really makes you see and feel the people he writes about.

OK. That's that. It's been good. It was timely with my much needed vacation. I am somewhat sane again, although sanity, like time and space, is relative.

Wherefore do I go hence? I go to a meeting and then lunch. But, I have my new XML peeps here and off I go to rule the world. Or at least my relative version of it.

I dedicate myself now to the idea that I'd like to write more frequent blog entries. Donations will be accepted to help my cause.